Make Good Choices

I just finished talking with my best friend. She's in a healthy relationship (for the first time in God knows how long) with a guy who seems to be good for her and good to her. She told me of their plans for New Year's (likely a house party) and said she thinks they'll stay in because, "we are trying to save money". I was so happy to hear her say we and told her it's an indication that their relationship is progressing towards marriage. I also told her that I'm going to have to start saving money in prepartion for her marriage. She said she gets scared when people say "the M word".

I asked her why the idea of marriage scares her so much. She said that marriage means forever and she's scared about divorce since, "You know what divorce does to kids." I said that I don't (my parents have been married for going on 44 years [praise God]) and she remembered that I'm not a child of divorce but commented on how her cousin's upcoming divorce is affecting the children. I then thought about the conversation I had with my mother earlier today when we talked about my son (a child of divorce) and how it's affecting him having a father who's a child of divorce.

I told my mother how I'd selected my ex-husband as a father for my child. I chose him because I awoke one rainy north FL afternoon and saw him teaching the neighbor's (a single welfare mom) son how to count change. I thought he'd be a good father because I thought he'd teach our son about money. Little did I know that God (in His infinite wisdom and with His ridiculous sense of humor) would give me exactly what I asked for (note to self, be more specific when praying to God). My ex-husband has taught our son about money, but in a very negative way. By being the financially retarded man that he is, he's taught our son how not to manage money (the same way his father taught him how not to be emotionally absent from a boy's life, but anyway).

So what does this have to do with my best friend? Well, one reason she and her boyfriend are likely to stay in instead of go out on New Year's Eve is because he likes to drink with his friends, but he's also generous to a fault. He has a tendancy to pick up the bill for other folks' drinks which she sees as a waste of money since she enjoys different things with her friends (game night) which is much less expensive. It just so happens that he likes game night too. I said that it sounds like he's outgrowing the "going out and drinking with the boys on the regular" phase. She said she has no problem with him going out and drinking with the boys on occassion, and she doesn't have a problem with him being generous, but she's concerned about it being an issue in the future. I said, "If you can manage it, then it'll be fine."

While my mom & I were talking earlier today, I shared that I knew I made a bad choice when I chose my ex-husband as the father of my child. I told her that it's Biblical and I know this now, that it's the women who are going to change the planet. I quoted Proverbs when I said, "A man who finds a wife finds a good thing." There's nothing in the Bible that says anything about a woman finding a husband. A woman chooses a husband based on what she sees in him while they're dating. Many of us have just been making bad choices along the way, which leads to divorce.

My best friend told me that her cousin who's divorcing only dated her husband for maybe 6 months before they got engaged. I told her that I always go back to what my sister(the armchair psychologist) used to say, "date him through 4 seasons" and what my mother used to say, "see him on a few rainy days". It's when you see a person in many situations that you can decide whether you can handle them forever.

ALL THAT BEING SAID: I hope my best friend's boyfriend has as much potential as he sounds like he has, and I hope she has enough patience (the first step to love [see I Corinthians 13, 4-8] which is the foundation of marriage) to wait it out and see him for who he truly is. If she decides she has the strength to manage his issues and love him flaws and all, I'll be the first one to salute their marriage in support of the good choice she has made. Oh, and I'm planning on making a trip to DC this spring to check him out in person. From what I've seen in the news recently, while you're dating, you need an outsider or two to help you make good choices.