Espen & Katrina

It really hit me today what’s happened here. I’ve been walking around in a fog since Katrina came ashore, but today the fog lifted. I really understand how devastating this has been. Seeing Dom’s face this morning made it real, so real that I couldn’t concentrate at work this morning. I didn’t want to go in, but did. I was practically useless, because I was still dealing with the additional devastation of not receiving a call from Espen given the circumstances here in New Orleans. Every man I’d asked summed it up with, “He’s an idiot. Forget him.” One very good friend said it best, “Look at you! Never mind that you’re smart and funny, but just look at you!” While talking to Jack late last night, he shared with me that being who I am, I’m very intimidating to most men, and I probably scared the sh!t out of Espen. I needed a pick me up, so I called my ex-boyfriend.
I shared my feelings with him and what both Dom and Espen said. He agreed with the “He’s an idiot. Forget him.” Statement. I asked him why God sent a natural disaster for me to realize these things. He sighed and said, “Well, you’re such a strong personality that it took something just as strong for you to get it.” That’s when today’s epiphany finally sunk in…I’m bordering on social retardation when it comes to men.

Still unable to concentrate after getting a lift from a conversation with my ex-boyfriend, I left work early and went home. I needed to have some way of knowing what to do next in the midst of my first swallow of all this reality. My holy father wasn’t giving me any answers, so I turned to my earthly one.

I called my dad and had the first heart to heart I can remember having with him since I had a crush on Walter Johnson and was devastated that he asked another girl to the senior prom. I always know my dad’s going to know what to do, and since he’s the one who told me to follow my heart in the first place, I figured he should tell me what to do with it since I’ve come back with it broken. He essentially said the same thing, “He’s an idiot. Forget him.” My dad also said that him not calling is a clear sign Espen didn’t care as much as I thought he did. Part of me is having a hard time accepting this (I saw the look in his eyes when he said, “I know that we are soul mates”), but even though it stinks, I am going to have to hold my nose and swallow that fact. After talking to my dad, everything was clear. I also believe something good is going to come from all this devastation, both with Espen and Katrina.

I liken all of this to many of the academic challenges I’ve faced in my life. I flunked the 8th grade (even though I supposedly have a 140 IQ), but I came back and graduated with honors. I started out with a D minus in Calculus, progressively doing better each quarter finishing with an A and making a 4 on the AP exam. This is no different. I’ve repeatedly shown that I’m a slow learner, but when I get it, I REALLY get it. I get it now, and it may be a damn shame that I had to go all the way to Italy to meet Espen, all the way to Norway to realize something wasn’t right, and have a natural disaster hit my current home town for me to realize HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME, but I won’t let it happen again.