10th Grade All Over Again

While on a mental break from cleaning out my office yesterday, I stopped to talk to a couple of folks I used to have lunch with while sharing a lot of the details of my relationship with Carlos. They were teasing me about my fridge saying that since Shorty is gone, all I'll have to do to prep it for the move is clean it out. I was chatting about the impending move when one of them asked what day I was moving. Before I could answer, he cut me off and said, "Whatever day that is, I'm busy." A little taken aback, I said, "That's why the company hires movers. It's okay. I know who my real friends are. The one's who helped me move into this house no longer live here. Reasons I want to move..." I then felt the flood coming. I left work shortly thereafter, realizing the scab had been ripped off. I was barely in my car when I started crying. I walked into my kitchen, dropped my purse on the counter and felt the eruption of pain that had been buried deep in my soul as I realized that my 8 year relationship with Carlos has been. I was in 10th grade all over again.

My sophmore year in high school was one of the most depressing year's in my life. When I look back at the diary entries from that time (damn...I've been writing for 16 years!), I was literally, clinically depressed. I even did the unthinkable and tried...well anyway, I did a lot of unthinkable things at 15. One huge thing I did was fall head over heels for a boy who took advantage of my puppy dog eyes, naive thinking, low self-esteem, and honors French ability.

During my lunches alone on the empty side of school, I would study French. I was a social outcast at the school (thanks to my incredibly strict parents), but I was still fine & willing to do almost anything for a boy to like me. When he learned of my crush on him, he asked me if I'd tutor him in French. I agreed & told him where my lunch/study spot was. Long story short, he manipulated me & I thought that after months of "lunch/study sessions", he'd eventually tell everyone that I was his girlfriend. It wasn't until he collapsed due to hypoglycemia during the spring track season & I went to visit him in the hospital that I found out. There was a girl in the room with him when my sister & I arrived. She left shortly after I showed up. At school the following Monday, I asked the kids I thought were my friends who the girl was. Come to find out...it was his long time girlfriend. Needless to say, I was devastated...much the way I felt two weeks ago when I finally realized what Carlos really thought of me.

Today I was reading the February issue of Essence when I came across an article on radical forgiveness. The author told a similar story of betrayal, but she referrenced a girl she thought was a friend in high school and a woman she thought the same of as an adult. She wrote that she realized the pain she felt due to the rift from her adult girlfriend was rooted in her experience as a child. She wrote that she was informed that she needed to practice radical forgivenss to truly heal from the pain of both experiences since the one that occurred in adulthood was just a magnified version of the childhood hurt. Both experiences were opportunities for radical forgiveness necessary for both parties to grow and heal. That's when it hit me.

Epiphany of the Day: My relationship with Carlos (and the guy from my high school French class) was just a reflection of my relationship with my emotionally unavailable father. All of those relationships went on for so long because I kept going back to an empty well looking for love that was never there in the way I needed it. I can't blame the Y chromosomes for that, and I can't blame myself either. It was just necessary for me to get to the point in my spiritual growth where I am now...beginning to learn to love myself.