Start Practicing

While I was chatting with my prayer partner this evening, it occurred to me that I was miffed: "Why...in 8 years...couldn't Carlos just tell me the truth? Why did he have to fake his love interest? But more importantly, why do I want an apology I know I'll never get?" I shared my questions with her and her reply was, "Because you have a hard time letting go." I was in the midst of catching up on bills & getting my house in order, so I didn't have time to respond. But now that I've had some time to think about it, she's right. I do have a hard time letting go of relationships with men.

The only reason that occurs to me (now that I've marinated on it) is because of my first relationship with a Y-chromosome carrying member of our race (the human race, that is). My 3rd sister (the armchair psychologist) has a theory that the issues you have in your relationship with the opposite parent is the same relationship you end up having with romantic partners in adulthood...until you get it right.

My relationship with my father changed almost instantaneously once I became "a woman", after I had my first period. And although my mother explained the reasons, and even though I'd seen him do it before (I have 3 older sisters), I never thought it would happen to me. It didn't help that no matter what I did to change the relationship back to what it was before I was "a woman", it never changed. It didn't help that I sat right next to him at dinner every night for 6 years after that, (until I moved out {and haven't lived at home since}), without him so much as saying a word to apologize for emotionally checking out of our previously close relationship. That set the pattern for my chronological adult relationships.

I wasn't raised to let go (he is my father)...but it's never too late to start. I think I'll start practicing with Carlos.