Deja Vu All Over Again

Tuesday evening my sister (the one with the brain surgery) left me a message to call her back. Since she didn't say what it was about, I figured I'd call her back in the evening when I got home. She called again on my cell phone yesterday morning. I knew it couldn't be good because my sister never calls me during business hours, so I went outside to answer the phone (lousy reception in my building). She told me that my mom's back in the hospital. Her hip gave out and they're considering surgery. I told my sister that this is exactly what I'd said needed to be done a month ago but no one wanted to listen to me. She didn't really want to hear my "I told you so's" and cut me off. I told her I'd call my mom in the morning when they knew more. At the advice of my prayer partner, I called Carlos to find out if he would drive home with me. I knew he had class, so I left him a message. He called me back when he got out.

"I haven't listened to the message but I saw that you called. What's up?"

"My mom's in the hospital again. They're considering surgery."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Are you going home?"

"Well, I can't drive all that way by myself. Will you go with me?"

I already knew he had plans to go to ATL this weekend (his hometown and they're hosting the Sweet 16 this weekend), but I thought that since he offered before he'd be willing to change his plans and go with me. Truth be told, I didn't think he would change his plans because he's an SJA (selfish jack@$$), but I thought I'd give him a chance to step up and show that he really does want to be part of my life since he's been doing little things to show his love.

Long story short, he said no because he already has plans. I said, "Yeah, you can't change your plans because you are the center of the universe." He denied being the center of the universe and said, "I already have plans." We ended up getting into a fight. He said I was being irrational. I thought to myself, "What a jack@$$!" After 15 minutes we got off the phone. I stewed for a little while and finally came to the same realization I came to a year ago: He's never going to change! The way he is is how he is and until he gets off his jack@$$ and gets long term intensive in-patient therapy, jack@$$ is all I can expect from him. I know I'm better than this, so even if he did somehow remember (despite all the weed he smoked in college) to get the ring of fire & ice I told him to get before I leave, I wouldn't want to marry him. That made things very easy.

I went to work today and shared with Marcelle that my mom's in the hospital again. Without my even asking, she offered to go with me if I decide to go. I told her I'd let her know. I'm expecting to have my teleconference with my next boss in the next day or so, so I want to be available. After talking with my mom this evening, I told her I was considering coming home. She passively said (which is the only way she knows how to ask for what she wants), "Well, you do what your heart tells you to do." That's her way of saying she wants me to come home. It's very reminiscent of when she was in the hospital with pneumonia that winter of 2004 when I went to Chicago to meet up with the jack@$$ (while he was living in IA & working at the plant I'm looking to transfer to) as a last ditch effort to show him my love and change the path of the relationship. Interesting how that turned out.

I'm doing things differently this time. I'm going to drop everything and go home to see about my mother if Marcelle is still willing to go with me. It's time for me to start showing my mother that I have forgiven her for all the mistakes she made while I was growing up. It's time for me to end the cycle of bitterness that's plagued the women of our family for so many generations, lest I somehow end up the mother of a daughter one day and she end up having the same deja vu all over again that my maternal great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, & myself have had.