4th Quarter

Today was...(see the three periods and let it resonate). I don't have any words to describe what today was...it was...a pause (which is what those three periods represent when I write). It was my first full day back at work, but I was busier than a one armed paper hanger (because no one does your job for you when you're gone). The only scheduled meeting I had today was with Marcelle (my friend from Brazil). It was my mid-year coaching session, and it ran a lot longer than I'd planned.

We talked a lot, and she evaluated me using the SWOT method. As she sees it, my strengths are my people skills, my communication skills, my computer skills, my passion, my intelligence (she thinks I'm a big picture/broad thinker), and my commitment. I could agree with all of that, but my challenges (a.k.a. my weaknesses) are like mirror images of my strengths: she said that I'm too open (uh, you are reading my blog...my deepest, darkest, inner thoughts). I'm aware of this, and it's something I know I need to work on, so I have a new focus area.

When I got home, I called my friend Carol to get her input. I told her about my desire to move into management and she said that environmental just doesn't seem to be the way to do it with our company. I shared with her (as I did with Marcelle) that I feel as if I'm at a crossroads...not just in my career, but in my life as well. Somehow, we ended up talking about Walter (the man I should've married). She told me that she thinks he's the one. Long story short, she told me I should just put it all out there for him. I told her that the only reason I broke up with him in the first place was because at the time I wondered "what else was out there".

"So, in the 13 years since you broke up with him, what have you found?" she poignantly asked me.

"Nothing...except heartache," I replied.

She went on to tell me that she thinks I should just put it all out there for him, and let him make the decision as to whether he leaves the relationship he's in or not. I told her that I never wanted to be a homewrecker. She said I wouldn't be a homewrecker because he's not married to her and if he wanted to be married to her, he would be by now. I didn't say anything. We eventually ended the conversation with me realizing I need to stop being such a chicken and stop making excuses for the mistakes I've made in my youth.

Post Espen-Katrina, I've been living my life in a rut. I've been spinning my wheels, trying so hard, but not moving to where I want to be. It's been clear where I'm supposed to be, and I've tried so hard, but I'm not going anywhere. I've been living in those three little dots...period after period after period, and everything that's come after it has been the same. I've been living in pause, and I think I've finally found the courage to push play.

I realized today that I need to get over my childhood. Everything I've been using as an excuse doesn't fit for a grown woman. It's time for me to take charge of my life and do what I need to do to have what I want. And what that looks like is being obedient to God. In doing so, I will be the master of my fate and the captian of my ship. In doing so, I'll move from the third period into the 4th quarter.