Responsibility

While Blogger was down (which was quite frustrating since I was working on my Norway blog and ready to upload when the service time started...but anyway), I spent some time reading through my journal entries for the last couple of years. The same "b!tch & complain" theme about men was present throughout. I stopped reading when I realized, "You know, I could spend the rest of my life rightfully pointing out & complaining about what's been done to me by various men (Espen not calling after a natural disaster; Carlos abusing me; Khari being financially irresponsible at my expense; my father being emotionally unavailable when I needed him most), or I could be a woman and take responsibility for my part in everything that's happened." The one quote that came to mind when I had today's Epiphany: Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Although I didn't realize what I'd been doing wrong for so many years (or sometimes turned a blind eye, or simply thought I was right in my choices), my ignorance didn't excuse me from having to pay the price for my mistakes. I had heard the law, but I didn't bother to let it sink in, trust God, and act accordingly. I've realized that's what it means to be a grown up, an adult (and not just chronologically).

I feel it's time (and I'm ready) to take responsibility for my part in all the drama of my life. Mark Gamel (the first engineer I had as a mentor when I started here) gave me my first coaching session via email 6 months after I started. When I asked him what he thought of my performance, one poignant thing he wrote was, "You cause a lot of your own problems." I wasn't ready to accept that 7 years ago, but I'm ready to accept it now.