Negative Times Negative

Sunday evening last week, my girlfriend in TX (Charlotte) asked me what I'm getting myself for Christmas while we were discussing her SJA' s issue with a comment his sister made (his sister had asked him what he's getting Char for Christmas). She told me that they always get each other something for Christmas. I told her that while cleaning my house and going through some momentos, I realized that Carlos (my SJA) had never given me a gift. I thought it a poignant reminder of how selfish Carlos is that while in the 7 and a half years we've known each other he's never given me a gift, and comparatively, I still have gifts from every other at least nearly significant man who's been in my life (i.e. the plaque from Walter [the ex-boyfriend I should've married] pledging his undying love; the "An Enchanted Evening" game from my ex-husband; Manny (the Cuban) sent me flowers once [we only dated for a month and never even kissed]; hell, even Joseph (a quiet co-worker of mine) who I never formally dated [or even touched for that matter] even gave me a Mikasa candle holder a couple of years ago for Christmas!). I realized that as long as I'm single, I'm going to have to buy my own gifts (which I guess I realized years ago, but for the first time...I'm truly okay with it).

So last week, I made an appointment for a 45 minute neck & back massage at Adam & Eve. Before I made the appointment, I debated whether I wanted to spend the money since I consider it a luxury (and have you seen the price of gas these days?!). Then I remembered that I needed it to feel good about myself to maintain my emotional and spiritual health and booked the appointment for today (I'm worth $40). It was just what I needed.

The masseur (Pat...he's Indian and instantly recognized that my name isn't American...ironically, he's been to Kenya and took the same train ride from Nairobi to Mombasa that I took with my family when I was 8) commented afterward that I was extremely tight in my neck. He said that he didn't realize that an engineer's job was so stressful (yeah, he's never had to prepare a six sigma presentation for his boss...with Carlos' help this afternoon, I finally got it to a presentable point). He said the muscles in my neck were like a rock.

Pat and I talked for a while after he finished. I asked him where he was from (duh, India...but he's been here most of his life) and I asked him how he ended up here. He said his parents moved to Raceland (close to where I live) when they came to the US. I said that was odd. He said that everything about him is odd (he's a 35 year old Indian, former pharmacist now massage therapist, who's never been married and lives in Raceland...okay?!). I'd been feeling an attractive vibe from him from the moment he brought me my credit card, but after talking about my career for a while, it faded. I asked him how he ended up as a massage therapist since he has a degree in pharmacy. He said massage therapy wasn't stressful. That reminded me of my ex-husband and how unambitious he is, and how I very soon into the marriage realized I couldn't be with a man who's unambitous. Then I remembered...if we'd stayed married, today would be our 11th wedding anniversary.

THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY: I'm glad we're not married any more. If we'd stayed married, I don't know that I'd have ever understood how important it is to feel good about and take care of one's self, nor how much better it feels to let someone take care of you (Espen sparked that on that first night in Rome).

I may have paid Pat to take care of me for 45 minutes, but it was worth it to celebrate not having someone trifling not only not take care of me, but to drag me down in the mean time. I may have married the wrong man (a negative), but 11 years later I know that the divorce (another negative) was the right thing to do. A negative multiplied by a negative equals a positive.