"The Talk"

Last night, Carlos & I had "the talk". I realize now that it was more me saying "out loud" what I'd been saying to myself inside all these years. It started with him asking about my mom. I said (as I'd been saying for the last several days since she was re-admitted to the hospital, "Why do you pretend to care?!"). He went on a rant and tried to flip the script on me (trying to make me think I was crazy, and as my girlfriend in TX [Charlotte] says, "When they start making you think you're crazy, it's time for them to go,"), but I'd already anticipated all of his moves.

I knew the game because we've been playing it for almost 8 years, so when he pulled the European card ("you're going to Europe and didn't even ask me if I wanted to go!") in response to me stating that I want a normal relationship which included commitment, having a man in my life who was willing and able to share his life with me (which includes basketball, business trips to Brazil, & certainly trips to ATL for the NCAA regional games...which he wouldn't change his plans for last week after I asked him to go home with me to see about my ailing mother), I decided to put my foot down. I'd figured out the game, so I put all my cards on the table. Essentially, what I said was:

"So, this is how this works. I'm going to say some things, and when I'm finished, this conversation is going to be over. My expectations are for the man in my life to love me, honor me, and cherish me, and you haven't been doing that. We've been playing this game for almost 8 years and I want marriage," ( he tried to interject with), "I don't think I've been playing games," (so I replied with), "Maybe you haven't been playing games. Maybe because I was socially retarded when we met and because I hadn't dated [before that] I mis-read your actions, but what I know is what I want and either you're unwilling or unable to give it to me. I want comittment. And you said it yourself, Carlos, back in December when I brought up marriage, you said, 'I never said I didn't want marriage! I never said I didn't want kids!'. I get it now! You want marriage! You want kids! You just don't want to marry me! So you can stop pretending to care!"

There was silence on the phone for a good 60 seconds.

Me: "I think we're done here."

Him: "Ok."

~long pause~

Me: "Now I'm going to call my girlfriend Charlotte in TX."

Him: "Ok."

Me: "Goodbye."

Him: "I'll talk to you later."

I hung up the phone and in the few moments after (before I called Charlotte to talk about the show Black. White.), I realized: He still doesn't get it. No worries (Hakuna Matata, in Kikuyu, Swahili, or whatever) because I'm at complete peace with having finally gotten it [what I've needed to say for a mighty long time] off my chest. I know who I am now...or better yet (as my tech friend [Carol] from work told me today), I've been reminded of who I was when I went to college in the first place.

I never was that weak woman who needed a man to validate her. I used to have men falling at my feet because I knew that I was something special. My father taught me that. Somehow, someway, I was distracted (by the cancer I had to face at 19 and my mother fueling the abnormal cell growth via her anxiety about my life choices at the time), and ended up playing the role of "the gimp" in Carlos' life. The truth is...I always have been and always will be a queen. Now I can take my place without guilt, knowing that my parents' did the best they could with what they had when they had it, and I'll never be perfect...but I'll always be worthy and deserving of the love God put me on this earth to be a vessel for.

NOW, I'm ready to move.