The Special Men In My Life

My father

While I was growing up (before I started my menses), my father and I were virtually inseparable. I followed him around and we spent all of our time together. He taught me about the world in a Celestine Prophecy kind of way. Since both of us are mathematicians & scientists, we spoke about the world and in a language the rest of the family didn't understand. I was Daddy's favorite because of this. Even now, my father and I can sit in a room together and not speak but we understand each other. Now, with him being sick (he has Parkinson's) and deteriorating so quickly, I know my time with him is growing short.

Walter

I will never forget the first time I met Walter. I was walking through a hall of Stanton that I didn't normally walk down because I had to go to the bathroom. We smiled at each other and as I passed him I thought to turn around to see if he was still looking at me (because not too long before, I'd started my menses and my relationship with my father had changed and he'd become distant) AND HE WAS! We started what appears to be a life long relationship. He was my first love, and the only reason we're not married today is because I got scared after I met my son's father (we didn't have a real relationship yet) and I wanted to know what else was out there. Ultimately, I wasn't attracted to him physically, but Walter and I are soulmates. He was the first man I ever met who was everything my father wished he himself would be in life. It took Daddy a long time to trust that Walter had no intention of doing me harm (we met when I was 12 and Walter was 16...my dad first thought he might be a pervert), but my dad came to love him after a while. Walter is my bridge father. He treated me then (as he does now) like a princess and gave me everything my father couldn't because of his kikuyu culture.

Isaiah

My son is the light in my life. I saw his father's name on a piece of paper and knew he would be the father of my child...and that was before I even met him! I chose him to be the father of my child first, because of his spirituality, second, because I thought he would be a good father and teach my child the way my father taught me, and third, because he had beautiful eyes (which are the windows to the soul, something I learned from a poem Walter shared with me in our love relationship long before I met Khari...who knew I'd give birth to such a beautiful "black" boy with big blue eyes!)

I prayed to God for him for all the wrong reasons (I wanted a child because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to have one...but that's a whole 'nother story). When the first pregnancy test came back negative, I cried and prayed to God for forgiveness of the "sins" I thought I'd committed that I thought were keeping me from having a child. When the second pregnancy test came back positive a few weeks later (I'll never use anything but E.P.T. now), my heart dropped to my stomach for what I'd done. I didn't really think I'd be able to have a child, and it was so clear that I was 19 and preganant. Khari and I held one another and tried to figure out a way to tell my parents. I was deathly afraid of what it would do to my father. Let's just say he didn't take it well. After I told him, he didn't speak to me for 3 months. Those were the longest 3 months of my life. I've always tried not to disappoint my father, seeing as how I'm his favorite child and all. My son is an opportunity to correct all the wrongs of the negative from my father's kikuyu culture.

Carlos

Ah yes, the jackass. He's special in a very different way. I'll also never forget the first time I met Carlos (it was a lunch during my interview with my current employer) nor the second time (which was quite a while later) when I met him helping his surrogate mother in her office. I didn't remember the first time until after the second time when my impression then was that he was shady...even then, it wasn't until he reminded me of our first meeting that I remembered it. In retrospect I think sometimes it's good to forget people. He treated me like shit for years, and I let him, but only because I didn't know my own worth because of my relationship with my father that was tainted with the negatives of kikuyu culture. With Carlos I experienced the worst of what a man can be, but if I hadn't met him, I would have never met Espen.

Espen

Meeting Espen on the steps of that church in Rome was the most perfect and Godly experience I've ever had in my life. Our relationship during those two nights in Rome were the earthly representation of what a human's relationship with God is supposed to be like. There are no words to express the connection we have. He's obviously not ready now, but I think maybe, just maybe, he could be the one. For God's sake, he's the first man my father has ever approved of me having a relationship with, never mind sight unseen! Now that's saying a lot!

Time has been a factor in every one of these relationships. My remaining time with my father is short. It took a while for my father to be okay with Walter. The time I have left with my son to guide and shape him as a man minus the negatives of kikuyu culture seems to be long. The time it took for me to realize that Carlos isn't what I'm supposed to have in my life partner was extraordinary. And Espen (if he's the one) is not ready yet.

Only Father Time will tell, because what it all boils down to is my relationship with my Father/father. My Father brought me here through my father to bring me back to Him. Through his influence, my father took care of the first half of the journey, and my husband will accompany me through the second half as we demonstrate on Earth the human relationship with God...walking in Love.