Detours

What a difference a year makes! It was a year ago today that I met Espen the Norwegian, changing my life forever. It's funny because after meeting him, I finally knew my worth when it comes to men, and after I came back here I saw jack@$$es, realizing I'd been involved with one ever since I moved here. Yesterday, Carlos the jack@$$ came by to watch the LSU women's basketball game. He called me late in the day to ask if he could come over to watch it before he went to class. I said that was fine but he had to bring his own beer. I told him to pick up some dishwashing detergent as well so I didn't have to go to Walmart. He said he didn't think he'd be drinking since he was going to class, so I'd have to get my own dishwashing detergent. I stopped at Winn Dixie to get it, hoping he wouldn't come over and thinking that if he did, he wouldn't buy it any way. He showed up just a few minutes before the game started, and he brought the stuff I told him to get as well as some beer for himself. After 30 minutes he headed out for his class. I walked him out and he headed towards his car but came back to give me a hug good-bye. I realized that from the first time I met him, all he ever wanted from me was friendship, but I'd tried to make it into more.

When I recently told my friend Char in TX that I was applying for a job with the big M in STL, and shared with her my experience there 10 years ago when I worked for the company as a co-op and was living in a trailer with my son & husband behind big Momma's house (sharing it with my step-sister-in-law and her daughter) around the corner from the local red light district and half a mile away from the local stockyards. She said, "You're coming full circle, aren't you?!" What a difference 10 years makes!

When I came here 8 years ago, my plan was to work long enough to get out of the consumer debt my ex-husband saddled me with while we were married (due to his financial retardation) and hopefully find another husband who would be a good male role model for my child. I've been out of consumer debt for several years, and I'd originally thought that Carlos (the jack@$$) would be a good role model for my son. It didn't take me long to realize he's not the kind of man I want my son to grow up to be (at 36, his plans for tonight are to go out partying with folks from work), but I stayed in the relationship far too long because I didn't know my worth as a woman when it comes to men...until I met Espen.

This afternoon, I sent my resume to the corporate director of environmental affairs for the job I saw posted for a corporate environmental affairs manager. I wrote that I saw the job was no longer posted but asked if I could still apply and attached my resume. I hope he sees it and decides I'm the right person for the job. If I get it, it'll position me in what I've grown to know as a better group of men (i.e. Brian, & potential fathers to my son while he's still fairly young) who would likely want to marry me & be a step-father to the child I had with my half-child long before I even began to understand the world (which happened after I met Espen), and put me in a job that will act as a stepping stone to me fulfilling my purpose in life (take care of this planet & the people who live on it). Hopefully, my resume will position me for a correction to the detour I took in my life 13 years ago (when I broke up with my boyfriend to see "what else was out ther in the world" and ended up pregnant & subsequently married to my half-child)...and reading this post of what I've done with my time since then will help someone else avoid the mistakes I've made.